Just Go Away Harry Potter
by FairlightMuse
Summary: DH Spoiled. An alternate chapter. For the Snape fans!Funny, I promise!


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**Author's Note-**F_or those of us who weren't satisfied with the ending, for those of us who aren't head over heels in love with Harry, and for those of us who thought Snape got a raw deal. A short fantasy. _

**Disclaimer**: I don't own or make money from anything Harry Potter. If I did, I certainly wouldn't be wasting my time online. :)

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**Just Go Away, Harry Potter!**

Harry Potter, with all the valor and honest goodness of a hero, plunged down the narrow tunnel towards Hogwarts. Lodged somewhere in his somewhat narrow mind, was the intention of freeing the school from the tyranny he had convinced himself Snape was responsible for. He would overthrow the shadowy new headmaster, and return Hogwarts to it's former grandeur. No student would suffer again, no detentions would be unfairly meted out.

And it would be _he,_ Harry Potter, who would be the school hero. He had never accomplished a Quidditch trophy, perhaps he would receive a plaque commemorating his good deeds. " **In Dedication to Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived To Save Our School When It Had Fallen Into The Pale And Evil Hands Of A Vindictive Ex-Potion's Master**."

Yes...something to that effect.

He burst quite suddenly out of the tunnel, startling a room full of students, who stood, surprised, and no doubt grateful to see him. He glanced around the room, as though reassuring himself that it was no trap. Hammocks hung from the walls, and boys and girls reclined, reading Quibblers, and smoking catnip cigarettes in 101 flavors. Coolers of ice sat around, filled with bottles of frosted beverages. Two card games, three chess games, and and a few kissing games were going on.

" Harry...where have you _been_?" someone called.

" Er...around. I had to come back to destroy a horc-oops, I mean, I have something_ very_ elaborate and mysterious I need to do, er..find, but first, I am going to have a showdown with Snape."

" Why?" asked another student.

" Because. He is older than me, comes from a different house, used to give me detentions when he caught me breaking the rules, wears black, has greasy hair, is mean, is unfair, and most importantly, he doesn't like _me_. So are you with me?"

" Why should we get involved? He likes us okay."

" Yeah." Seamus agreed.

" No! He d_oesn't!_ He is _horrible_. A bad _guy_. A Deatheater. He has taken over our beloved school, and_ I_ am going to see that he is ousted, sacked, given the great boot."

" Well, now, Harry, I wouldn't go_ that_ far." Neville said.

" No...I don't think that is wise." Lavender Brown agreed.

" Please don't do something that foolish, Harry." a Hufflepuff boy added.

" Why? Why are you suddenly on_ his _side? He didn't like my daddy, and he picks on me, and he was mean to my godfather, and he likes Voldemort...but you guys are going to _protect_ him? What has Snape ever done for_ you?_"

The students shuffled awkwardly, and just when Harry was going to cackle in triumph, a third year student piped up.

" Well, there's the swimming pool."

" That's right!" They all nodded.

" Swimming pool?" Harry repeated, puzzled.

" Oh yeah! It's in Greenhouse eight. He had the whole thing converted to a pool house, with heated water, dressing rooms, bar, amplified music. All the teachers and the seventh years take turns being lifeguard."

" _All _the teachers?"

" Well, except Flitwick. He can't swim. But he mixes good pumpkin juice spritzers."

" Here, here!" they all cheered.

" Okay...so he gave you a lousy pool. What else?"

" Midnight curfew?"

" The arcade?"

" The arcade!"

" Oh yeah! Just wait until you see. We have Voldemort Pinball, Laser Wizards, Digital Quidditch, and everything."

" We're trying to beat McGonagall, becuase she holds the record for pinball." said Colin Creevey excited.

" Pinball...?" Harry asked, confused.

" And the billiards."

" Oh, Flitwick always wins at Billiards! If someone beats him, or McGonagall, then that person gets a week long vacation and a hundred galleon prize!"

" And everyone's allowed to play Quidditch now! We have junior competitions and everything."

" You mean, _first _years are getting to play? "

" Yeah! " they all cheered again.

" So..I'm no longer special for being such a young seeker?" Harry's lip trembled slightly.

" Nah. Turns out everyone can do it, nearly. Gummy Winslow caught the snitch with her toes just last week."

" Oh yeah, that reminds me, Snape ditched the dress code." Dean said.

" There's an all night, all-you-can-eat candy buffet in the great hall."

" And a soda fountain. "

" And the ice cream freezer."

" All right! All right! A few games and some sweets, but really, is that enough to sway your loyalties? What about the cruelties? The perversions? Look at Neville's face!"

" Er...that sort of happened in the forest when we were catching unicorns." said Dean.

" And riding hippogriff's."

" Magical Creatures class has been so cool since he opened up the forest. Now we get to go in and catch whatever animal we want to study!"

" Not to mention the midnight picnics in there!"

" Oh, and we can all go to Hogsmeade."

" All of you?"

" Sure! The only rule is we can't bring the jokes and pranks into the school, we have to play with them outside."

" But since he changed the greenhouses, we can hang out in those all we like."

" What did they do with the greenhouses?"

" Well, Slughorn changed it so that we each grow our own ingredients for the year. If we don't then we either have to fail potions, or pay Slughorn to use stuff out of his stores."

" So now we have all sorts of herbs and stuff at our own disposal. Like gillyweed, and catnip."

" More cheers."

" Well...he still doesn't sound so great. Games, your own garden, Quidditch, Hogsmeade, a candy _bar_..."

" And the pool!" a girl shouted.

" Okay, okay..." he scoffed. " He gives you a crummy pool and you think he's Merlin!"

" You wouldn't sniff if you saw the girl's swim team!" Dean said.

A series of wolf whistles followed.

" There is something to be said for bikini's in your house colors!" mooned a Slytherin, using his hands to describe what might be the curvaceous shape of a serpent...but probably wasn't.

" Oh yeah, definitely some magic going on there!"

" The boy's swim team isn't bad either." commented a Ravenclaw girl.

The other girls cheered.

" Which reminds me of all those love potions we are allowed to brew." said one of the Patil twins.

" Love Potions! Voldemort's back, the world is in danger, people are dying...and you guys are making love potions?" Harry bellowed.

" All you need is love. " someone offered.

A few people dared to snicker.

" Shut up! This is ridiculous. He-He's turned you all into _Slytherins_!"

" Now, that was uncalled for, Harry. There is no need to insinuate that Slytherins are less than likable. After Professor Snape dissolved the houses and their rivalries, we've discovered the Slytherins to be just as fun and sporting as everyone else. "

" There are two on my bowling team."

" Yeah...we forgot to mention the bowling lanes. You remember that deserted corridor we weren't supposed to go to in our first year? We have lanes set up there. "

" In fact, we can play anywhere. Snape's let's us use magic inside all the time.Anywhere. "

That's right. He says it is good enough for him to see us doing magic at all. "

" We can hex and charm each other all we want."

" The dueling club is back, and we actually get proper instructions from Professor Snape himself. Blast! Blast! "

" I don't want to hear any more! You have all been hexed, and I am going to get to the bottom of this!" Harry crossed his arms sullenly.

" Oh, why don't you just go _away_, Harry Potter?" Draco asked.

" That's right. Maybe we don't want you spoiling the first real fun we've had."

" It's school, it's not about fun!"

" We still have lessons."

" We have DADA, and Potions, and Herbology, just like before."

" And since Snape and Trelawney made up..." a series of giggles went around the room. " we've learned to use real divination and scrying."

" Astronomy , magical creatures, arithmancy...all still here."

" He chucked out the History of Magic though."

" Aha! Changing a Hogwarts tradition! I bet he had a dark motive for _that_!"

" Well, how it happened was, he strolled into the classroom one day and said, ' does anyone here really care about the Goblin Wars? No?' and then Evanescoed all the textbooks. Now we get to learn the cool stuff about the human wars, and torture, and dungeons, and the celebrities."

" No more secrets, we've been told everything. There is a weekly meeting in the great hall, where we all hear lectures on the current events outside school, and we ask questions and hear proper answers, No more riddles, and lies."

" Not like with Dumbledore."

" All right!" Harry whipped out his wand. " I won't here anyone saying anything bad about Dumbledore."

" We weren't saying he was bad, Harry. That was just a small truth. Gees...don't get so defensive."

Draco said something low under his voice, and a few others snickered.

" What did you say? " Harry demanded.

" I said I didn't know you had such a _thing_ for Dumbledore." Draco batted his eyes dramatically.

Everyone snickered.

" I...I d_on't_. At least..not like _that!_" Harry reddened. " I am going to put things to right. It's my job. Even if I wanted to play pinball, and eat candy, and have a really huge bowl of ice cream for the first time in months...and see Ginny in a Gryffindor bikini, I couldn't. Because the world is _depending _on me. "

" I'm warning you Harry. We can't let you do this."

" Why?"

" Because. It's not fair to the rest of us. We've watched you wallow in fame and glory, while we had to suffer the consequences. Now , we are going to be young, and have fun. Go find your mysterious object, do your heroic mission, _but leave Snape alone_."

" Yeah!" all the kids shouted.

" Who is going to make me?" he sneered, stepping toward the door. " I have an old score to settle with Snape. And you can't stop me!"

Thirty five wands were suddenly directed right at Harry. He paled, and cast about, wishing Hermione were here to think quickly for him.

" Drop them...or I'll..." he turned his wand on himself. " I'll do it I swear! It will be on your consciences!"

" Petrificus Totalus!" they all shouted.

Harry Potter hit the floor with a loud thump.

" You just don't train Dumbledore's Army, and then expect us not to remember how to use our wands." said an older boy, shaking his head.

" What do we do with him?" asked a first year.

" Isn't it obvious?" Neville asked.

" Put him in the freezer?"

" No!"

" Feed him to the spiders?"

No.

" Dungeons?"

" Uh-uh.

" Oh...dragon bait?"

" Give him to the squid?"

"Hide him in the tree?

" Stuff him in the Chamber of Secrets?"

" No!"

" Well, tell us!"

" Well, doesn't he have a ten thousand galleon price on his head?..."

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** The Bitter End. **

** Reviews, please? They would be most humbly appreciated.  
**


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